This is my "foreign devil" face...

I’ve developed a number of bad habits in the last few months. I stay up late playing video games, watching movies or drinking with my fellow Shiz expats. I have been lackadaisical about learning new Chinese vocab and putting it into practice. I neglect this blog and I take forever to respond to personal emails. My apartment is disgusting and I have a pile of dirty laundry knee high piled in my bedroom corner. I grew a beard. While all these things aren’t good, perhaps my most disturbing new habit is that I scare children… for fun.

Now, before I get too deep into this there are a few things that I should clarify about the Shiz. This city might have 9 million people but less than a century ago this place was a village of a couple dozen families. Many of the people still act like this is a rural village, and it certainly shows in how they react around the handful of foreigners that live here. Every occupied room I walk into falls silent for about a minute while every turns to stare me. People on bicycles have ran into things while gawking at my foreign friends. I heard children whispering “laowai” as I walk by. Middle-aged men are CONSTANTLY yelling “hello” at me and when I respond they squeal like little girls and trip over their feet to get away from me. If all of this hubbub was due to curiosity or excitement to interact with me as a human being I would be happy, but for those especially annoying individuals it’s about the thrill of seeing (or irritating) an exotic creature. And that’s not fun.

This rural village-like reaction is also partially caused by China’s generally xenophobic nature. I’ve been told by my students that even if I was fluent in Chinese, disavowed my American citizenship, married a Chinese girl tomorrow and had a kid by this time next year I wouldn’t be considered Chinese. My child wouldn’t be Chinese. My child’s child’s child wouldn’t be considered Chinese. Furthermore, Chinese have a general fear of all things foreign (and there are a couple justifiable reasons). Foreigners are always depicted as idiots or monsters on Chinese TV. Limited access to free media and rampant stereotyping means many of my students think everyone in America carries a gun at all times and they love killing people. Heck, dating as far back as to the construction of the Great Wall, China has been a little freaked out about those who are not them.

Thus, fear of the “other” and lack of interaction with foreigners makes the Shiz a perfect storm when it comes to scaring little kids.

My first sojourn into scaring children was a month ago and I swear it wasn’t my fault. Lauren and I were walking to a restaurant near my apartment and we passed a woman with a baby. The baby appeared angelic until it caught sight of me. Then, as quickly as someone flicking a switch, the infant’s face contorted into what was surely an uncomfortable expression and let loose a grotesque scream. Like Quasimodo, I hid my face and we swiftly walked away.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I started using my newly realized power for my own twisted pleasure. I was near the end of one of occasional jogs when I saw two boys standing at a bus stop 100 yards away. One of them made an exaggerated gesture to his friend and began to stare. Something snapped inside me.

“Oh, I’ll give you something to look at,” I said to myself between huffs as I continued to lumber forward.

When I was about 25 yards away from the boys I moved out of the bike lane and onto the sidewalk. I then put on my best “foreign devil” face, complete with scowl and fire in my eyes, and began to sprint at the boys. They didn’t realize what I was doing until I was nearly on top of them. I locked eyes with the animated boy and gently shoved him as I passed. I ran on for half a dozen paces before turning my head to see the boy was clutching his chest. I heard him say “he scared me to death” in Chinese. I had to walk the rest of the way home because I couldn’t stop laughing.

Now I can’t stop. In my defense, I mostly try to freak out middle schoolers because, let’s be honest, they’re the most annoying age group in any country. I listen in to conversations and, when I know they’re talking about me, I growl “You have something you want to tell me?” I give a lot of angry glares (followed by good-natured chuckles). When the kids are following me I like to turn quickly and yell “BOO!”

Of course, none of this is helping dispel the idea that foreigners should be anything other than dancing monkeys, individuals placed on this planet purely for Chinese entertainment, but at this point I don’t care. There is no way for me to get the entire Shijiazhuang population to understand that they should stop objectifying me and my foreign friends. So I might as well have a little fun along the way, right?

Let me know if I’m a terrible person in the comments below!

It wasn’t a nuclear accident or anything cataclysmic, but rather it was the official end of Spring Festival, and this one city celebrated with more fireworks than than I think the entire state of Iowa uses on the Fourth of July.

I went on a pilgrimage Monday evening in search of wifi and my journey started in Starbucks. After being disappointed yet again by one of America’s finer institutions I crisscrossed my section of the city to meet up with some friends and that bike ride turned into one of the most spectacular fireworks shows I have ever experienced. There was at least one person on every block lighting fireworks. And not just those 50-cents-per-package bottle rockets that barely make a sound as they whizz into the air but enormous mortar shells that you need a special license to buy in the States and strings of 1,000 firecrackers the size of my thumb. And all of these were being lit by children and drunk men on street corners or between buildings. Many of the mortars barely cleared the tops of the nearby apartment buildings before exploding, spitting white-hot phosphorus pellets onto porches and into walls.

Perhaps the most remarkable thing wasn’t just that so many people were lighting fireworks but that the chaos lasted for several hours. Starting at sunset and lasting until about midnight the entire city sounded something like this.* It reminded me of a perpetual war movie firefight with the volume turned all the way up. At one point I did a slow 360 and I saw fireworks explode in every single direction. I loved it.

Experiencing that chaos was exactly why I came to China. This place is unlike anywhere else in the world. I had become more than a little grumpy because of the pollution and the cold and the difficulties I’ve been having with my school but this celebration helped me realize why I kinda like it here. As the legions of elderly sweepers take to the streets to clean up the discarded tissue paper and cardboard from the nighttime revelries I will try to hold on to that memory when things start to look dim again…in about a week.

*To fully experience this sound bit I would put on headphones and turn the volume all the way up. The irregular rumble you hear isn’t the wind or my shitty sound recorder, it’s the far-off clatter from thousands of firecrackers being lit.

First off, thank you for opening one of your glorious consulates of coffee in Shijiazhuang. The Shiz should feel honored that you chose her to join the ranks of the two-dozen or so Starbucks-equipped cities in the Middle Kingdom. In theory, you are doing something to make the butthole of China just a little more livable.

With that being said, I do have some suggested improvements.

First off, please instruct this branch on how to brew good coffee. If I am going to pay 17 RMB–the equivalent of two or three meals–on a tiny brewed coffee I don’t want it to taste awful. I don’t know if they need brew fresh coffee more often or use better beans or what, but if I wanted to drink something that left me grimacing and worried about my health I could have stayed at home and drank tap water.

Secondly, you should improve the wifi situation out here. I know the Internet sucks everywhere in this country, but if you’re going to be charging an arm and a leg for coffee (and paying pennies for labor) you should probably invest in a connection that works. It should not take more than a minute for BBC’s homepage to load. And don’t even get me started on the difficulties of connecting to a proxy so I can loiter on Facebook!

I’m sure there may be reasons for my disappointing Starbucks experience in the Shiz–miscommunication with local management, limitations on access to high-quality products or services, catering to local preferences, etc. And maybe I’m just upset because my apartment’s Internet connection is down, my girlfriend returned to America yesterday and my hamster doesn’t want to play with me anymore. But hey, I thought I would let you know what I’m thinking.

Forever yours (at least until I find somewhere better or connection at home gets fixed),
Tyler

I knew the Shiz had a bad smell but I forgot that it smelled ALL THE TIME.
- Emily Krustlic

After an overnight bus and a miraculous purchase of train tickets (despite the largest annual human migration in the world) we arrived back in Shijiazhuang yesterday. Now I have that mix of emotions one always feels at the end of a vacation: it’s nice to be done with the stress of traveling but man, that tropical island was a hell of a lot nicer than this place.

Those negative feelings are especially potent when you return to a city like the Shiz, a place we characterized as “the butthole of China” when describing our city to other travelers over the last few weeks.

But, despite the smog and smells, the Shiz is a little nicer right now because of one wonderful reason: FIREWORKS!! The early morning honks and engine roar that I came to hate over the last five months has been replaced by the sweet, sweet sounds of firecrackers and mortars exploding in the morning. Actually, it is a little creepy how this city has essentially fallen silent except for the occasional faraway boom or string of pops. And I think I might add to the din in the silence by blowing another 100 RMB on fireworks at one of the hundreds of pyrotechnic stands set up around the city…

We arrived in Xi’an yesterday morning and we promptly found some fireworks to celebrate Chinese New Year. I’ve had one or two experiences with fireworks in Xi’an from this summer, so it was nice to be back in a familiar city doing something really fun.

And for only 125 RMB we had a lot of fun. Our collection:

- 8 giant Roman candles
- 2 thick Roman candles that ended up shooting miniature mortar shells (the kick from the firework was like that of a 9 mm pistol)
- Several boxes of uber-poppers (think those little white poppers you throw on the ground to make them explode only with about three times as much gunpowder)
- 2 huge fountains that we thought were miniature mortar sets
- 2 strings of 1,000 firecrackers

We lit all of these on the street outside of our hostel. There are apartments to either side of our hostel and across the street in Xi’an city wall. Only in China could you let this many explosives loose with an ancient landmark and houses within range…

Scams and markups are something I can handle. Someone rummaging through my stuff on the other hand...

I have always heard stories of people getting robbed but I never thought it would ever happen to me. Yesterday changed that.

Yesterday Emily, Alan and myself arrived on Koh Samet, an island a few hours outside of Bangkok. The trip wasn’t too terrible–tour guide showed up 30 minutes late, the bus ride took FOREVER, at one point we had to cram 10 people into a nine person minibus–but we got to the ferry and on to the island. A short walk later and we were at our sweet hotel (see the small picture I took from our balcony). We even got upgraded to an air-conditioned room because of a booking mix up.

Then, as I got out my money to pay my share for the room I realized that I was missing a lot of money. My money pouch, which had been stowed in my backpack, was missing around 2,000 rmb and 3,000 baht (for a total of about $450). After retracing my steps I think I know how I lost the money. When we were boarding the first bus to go to Koh Samet we were asked to deposit our bags in the lower storage compartment. I thought security wouldn’t be an issue because 1) how would someone get in there and 2) everyone else was doing it. Then we didn’t leave for another 15 minutes, which could have provided a window for a thief to search some bags. And, when we retrieved our bags when transferring to a minibus, I noticed a side entrance to the bus that was accessible through the bus’ rear door.

I told the hotel receptionist about my misfortune and he said it happens all the time. Sometimes, thieves crawl around under seats to unzip bags right from under people’s feet. He said people lose tons of cash, cards and travel documents every year on buses in Thailand.

Of course, it could have been worse. The thief didn’t take my camera or my tablet. My passport, spare credit card and emergency travel card were all still in the pouch. And at least the thief didn’t take everything, he (or she) left one 1,000 baht note and one 100 rmb note in the pouch, so at least I wouldn’t starve. Above it all, I should just be thankful that I wasn’t robbed at knife point or injured during the incident in any way. It was only money.

I think the biggest thing that has been nagging on me has been how frustrated I am by the situation. I have experienced my fair share of foreigner scams having traveled throughout China, but it is one thing to ask double or triple the price for something as a shopkeeper when the “mark” has a chance to counter your offer and another thing all together to steal out of someone’s bag. Whoever stole my cash is a total jerk. And I’m an idiot. When our bags weren’t in direct line of sight I should have spent a minute pulling out my valuables.

Has this ever happened to you? Let me know in the comments if you or a friend has been a similar situation and we can wallow in self-pity for about 12-16 hours before I get back to enjoying this beautiful island.

A Star Ferry crosses Hong Kong's Victoria Harbour at night. The ferry only costs two HK dollars but it gives an excellent view of the city.

Many fortnights ago (aka, the first part of September) I was forced to go to Hong Kong in order to get my Z Visa, an issue that should have been resolved when I visited Thailand after my summer program ended. But I don’t want to rant about that, I would much rather tell you about some of the cool stuff I was able to do and see during my surprise vacation to Hong Kong.

Now, two months after my visit, here are some things that still stick out in my mind:

- Every convenience store sells Guinness and it is one of the most affordable beers–I know Hong Kong is a former British colony, but that is awesome.

- Knowing Chinese is not helpful because everyone speaks English, Cantonese or Hindi.

- Cantonese is weird because they put a “g” sound in front of everything but they use traditional Chinese characters.

- Everything is two to three times as expensive in Hong Kong than it is on the mainland.

- From now on, whenever I try to imagine what a futuristic city looks like all I can see is Hong Kong. While parts of it are old or aging (like the rest of China), most of the buildings and cityscapes are exceedingly modern.

- The city seemed clean, especially when I compare it to the Shiz.

- It seemed as though half of the expats in Hong Kong were in the city for the same reason: they needed to deal with visa issues. I guess all of us were able to experience an unexpected vacation together.

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Oh, and as this video demonstrates, I was able to experience some cool jazz and befriend some drunk crewmen from the USS Boxer while in Hong Kong. By the way, the man who stands up in the middle of the video had been asking for a bass solo for about two hours but he didn’t seem to notice when it finally happened…

NOTE: This blog post has been sitting in my drafts for more than a month, I’m sorry it didn’t get posted earlier! And I think it is funny that it will go live as I am on my way back to Hong Kong. I hope I have even more fun this time around.

The last test has been given, the final paper graded and the spreadsheet has been emailed to my department director. The semester is over, and not a moment too soon.

I will start my 45ish day Spring Festival vacation tomorrow with a flight to Hong Kong, followed by a week in Thailand and finally a week in Xi’an. I will be traveling with Emily and a evolving cast of Shiz-based expats at different destinations. And I’m pumped.

As you can see from above, Emily and I’s vacation started a little early right here in the Shiz. Emily blogged about our interesting cupping experience and we made mac ‘n cheese, which, incidentally, was the first meal I cooked in my apartment…four months after moving in.

I’ll try to keep this blog updated as we travel by occasionally stealing Emily computer. Stay tuned!

That is the smallest piece of pumpkin pie ever, but it was also a delicious component of my holiday experience in China this year. I’ve already shared about our Thanksgiving chaos, the silkworms and my family’s plane starting on fire, but here are a few of the photos and stories from the last 90 days of holiday celebration. Just in time, of course, for my Spring Festival adventures which start on Tuesday.

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I realize that there are no New Year’s Eve photos and that is because our celebration was remarkably tame. We played Settlers of Catan, drank Irish cream, hit the bar at about 10 p.m. and nestled into bed by 12:45. Wow, I am getting old.